the universe is in us

After what felt like the longest January ever, we're into February. Not a month I'm a huge fan of - a bit like January it's just dull, cold and wet, and this year it's that little bit longer with the Leap Year. Oh well, time to try and find some positivity and happiness among the gloom.

I started with making Jack & Lucy breakfast in bed. This seems to be becoming a first weekend of the month thing and I actually think I'm going to try and make it a tradition. Although Jack did come down and try to distract me while I was cooking. Apparently he really likes it when I'm wearing nothing but his shirt. Definitely something I need to remember! 😉 But included with the breakfasts were little notes for them both, telling them how much I loved them. what can I say, I'm a sap sometimes.

I continued the theme of telling people I loved them by ringing my brother, telling him how much I appreciate him and love him. He then of course panics and thinks there's something wrong with me, that I'm dying or I'm suicidal. And he doesn't believe me when I tell him I'm fine, and demands to speak to Jack. Jack reassures him that no, I'm fine. Clearly I need to tell my brother I love him more often.

I'd wanted to tell a few more of our friends but I was worried that they might over-react in the same way Mark did, so that idea kind of petered out which is a shame. But it's definitely made me aware that I don't tell the people in my life enough how much they mean to me, so I'm going to make more of an effort to do so going forward, but maybe a little more subtly.

To you reading this - I love you and I appreciate you being in my life. I apologise for not being as present online and in your lives and I am making an effort to be around more. I miss you, I miss knowing what's going on and having conversations

It's been a very relaxed Saturday here. It's felt very Sundayesque, possibly the whole 'long Easter weekend' effect but since we're all off work, all the days are basically fading into one blur. Sometimes that's good and sometimes that's bad.

I've mostly spent today bumming around on social media. I've fallen into youtube and some Discord channels and joined in some conversations on Twitter.

Jack's been watching the snooker on TV - I don't get that at all. I love sport but snooker. And watching snooker? Oh well, he's been happy and that's what matters

Lucy locked herself in the kitchen and has been making Easter Eggs. She's made a variety of dark, milk and white chocolate eggs and different fillings and taken over something like 3/4 of the fridge. Jack & I have been banned from looking! I'm excited to see what she's made us tomorrow.

I found a notebook I'd started setting up a 2019 bullet journal in and I've been thinking about continuing with it. I love the idea of it and want to give it a go. One of the things I've written in there - and forgotten about in all the furore - were my 2019 resolutions -
Learn how to eat using chopsticks
Start spending more time together as a family
Stop spending so much time staring idly at a screen
Take a vacation to Italy
Find happiness in the small things
Try to be more patient and understand
Be more present
I actually really like those and have actually been trying to incorporate a lot of these into my life anyway - spending more time together, finding happiness, being more present. I think I chose very well.

Speaking of 'finding happiness in the small things', I've had a few of those moments today
-an afternoon nap with Lucy (I didn't get much sleep (Lucy did) but kissing and cuddling with her is always fun
-in a twitter chat about books/authors, I mentioned loving Cecilia Ahern's books, the sense of whimsey and otherworldliness and sparkle... and she favourited the quote
-Jack fired up the grill this evening and we had steak, baked potatoes, macaroni cheese and steam vegetables sitting on the patio watching the sun go down.

A week without complaining
Day 1, take 3 - I am trying again. I've had some trouble with low mood due to not sleeping very well, and that makes things a bit tougher. But I am going to keep on trying (and re-starting!) this goal until I have done it. It's been very interesting to note what I do complain about.

Sometimes I think my husband's hobby is collecting new hobbies to try. His current venture is photography, he's picked up a camera from a cash converters store, he's got some books out the library and has been watching Youtube videos. He's raving about lighting and framing and he's extremely adorable and geeky with it and that's one of the things I love about him.

We went to the castle for the day earlier in the week, all three of us. Jack was playing quite happily with his new toy, taking photos of the castle and of me and Lucy.

He took one particular picture of me that I love. He's even printed it out and frame it for me, he loves the picture too. We were having a picnic and the sun was shining, he just says my name and takes the picture as I smile and look up and he takes the picture. My hair is all wavy around my face and I look really relaxed and happy.

And I realised I am happy. Truly and completely happy. I had a wonderful summer with Jack and Lucy, we've reconnected and it's like we've fallen in love all over again and things are stronger than ever. We've got a draft 'schedule' for term time and I'm really looking forward to the new school year.

I rather like this feeling and hope it lasts :)

Dear Dreamwidth, my name's Samantha and I am terrible at putting myself in another's shoes, at seeing things from another perspective. I always have been and suspect I always shall be. I'm a very stubborn woman and try as I might, it's not one of my strengths. For that, I apologise

One of my favourite, most-promising, students came to see me today to give me the sad news that she's dropping out and not continuing on into her second year. Not any of her courses, she's dropping out of university completely. I found this disappointing and surprising considering how bright, driven and enthusiastic I've found her when I've taught her this year.

Her reason for dropping out surprised me even more. She's getting married to her boyfriend and would rather stay at home, get pregnant, raise a family and keep home than continue with her studies. I have nothing against women who choose that path for their life. After all, my Lucy is a home-maker and she does thoroughly enjoy it. What I don't understand is why she feels she has to do it now.

She's just turned 20 and she's a third of a way through her BSc and I honestly can't fathom why she doesn't want to continue. She's told me she does enjoy her studies so I fail to see why she can't get married over the summer, then return to university in September and start her second year. She could start a family once she finished school in two years time. I'm genuinely disappointed for her but ultimately it's her decision. I hope she does return to the physics field later in her life.

I have to admit, part of me wants to tell her she's too young to get married and settled down, that she doesn't know what love is, that she hasn't met enough people to fully grasp her feelings, that she needs to live her life and find out who she is and what she wants.

But then I realise I'm starting to both sound not only old but like my father!

On a personal note, I can't fathom getting married that young. I think about the people I dated in my late teens/early twenties, who I dated in university. The people I thought I was in love with but when I look back, I can't imagine still being with them. I didn't know what love was, I thought I knew but then I met Jack. I didn't even meet Jack until I was 29 and it was another 7 years before we married but meeting him made me realise what love was - it wasn't about wanting him in my life, it's about not being able to imagine my life without him.

Polyamory seems to be one of those topics that a lot of people have many preconceived notions about - a lot of which are completely wrong. You will probably already be forming an image in your mind of what my life is like based on the fact that I'm not monogamous.

I can tell you now that I am not having group sex or mad orgies.
My life does not revolve around sex - yes, I enjoy it and have a high sex drive but that is not related to polyamory.
I'm not cheating on anyone or sleeping around behind anyone's back.
I don't have sex with everyone I meet.
I don't have an open relationship.
I'm not a swinger or into partner swapping
are there poly relationships like this? Yes, of course - and many many many more variations as well.

I have been married to my husband, Jack, for almost 13 years and we've been together for 18. We have a girlfriend, Lucy, and she's been with us for 8 years. So you can forget any notion that I have commitment issues. There was nothing missing in our relationship before Lucy joined us, never a sense of incompleteness; Lucy added an extra dynamic, an extra layer that we didn't know was even possible.

Jack and Lucy were engaged in a BDSM relationship for a few months - a non-sexual relationship at that. That's a whole other dynamic to our relationship that isn't pertinent to poly and can be discussed at another point. We had a few threesomes during that time and I also watched them play. I still remember the day Jack sat down with me, serious face on and said "You've got something on your mind, it's about Lucy and if I know you, I know what you're thinking so just come out and tell me so I can tell you you're right." And I told him I thought I was falling for her. And he was too. We sat down with Lucy and talked about things and started dating. A few months later she moved in with us.

I am in a closed, poly, triad. There has never been any talk of bringing a fourth person in, or of any of us having a relationship with another person outside of our group.

If there's anything you want to have clarification on or are simply just curious - please ask me and the chances are I will answer.

But, really, the main thing is that we're no different than any straight, monogamous couple - it's just that there's three of us, rather than two. The one thing I can tell you is that I love both of them fiercely and cannot imagine my life without either of them in it

Apparently when I was a teenager, everyone thought I was going to be/gay.

I was unaware of this. I found out yesterday when my brother told me. He came over to help with packing and we endedup going through albums of old photos of the two us when we were children. I was such a tomboy; you would have thought our parents had twin boys, not opposite-sex twins. I had the same haircut as Mark, we dressed the same way.

You could also tell the moment in the pictures that puberty hit and it was like I overnight became a girl. I grew my hair and had it permed, and hairsprayed half to death. Arms covered in jelly bracelets. acid wash denim shorts or skirt over leggings or fishnets. Oversize neon sweaters off the shoulder. Big poufy flouncy dresses. If Madonna wore it, I wore it!
(That's not the subject of this post though I may have to write about it anothe day)

That's not the reason they thought I was gay, though. I was a nerd in school. I liked science and maths and engineering. I was in the chess club. My dad thought this all meant I was 'one of those homosexuals' and he was more worried about that than he was bringing up a girl on his own (My mum sadly passed away in 1980). He knew women, he knew girls; he didn't know a single gay person.

I was about 14 the first time I had sexual feeling for a girl. It was in the changing rooms after a PE lesson and her name was Pamela. I remember we were all in various stages of puberty, lots of budding breasts and so on, but this girl was... shapely. She had this amazing pear shape and full breasts and, well, let's just say if I was a boy I would have popped a boner.
I shared 3 subjects with her for something like 3 years but I could barely manage to speak to her because I was overcome with shyness caused by hormones!

At the same time though, I had a huge crush on David - he ran the chess club. He liked Star Trek and Doctor Who, he was my main competition for top of the class in maths and science and we had a friendy rivalry all through school. He was this short, skinny boy who did long distance running. We started dating when we were 15, stayed together for maybe 3 years until we both moved away to different universities.

University was when I had my first relationship with a woman, so we're talking late 1980s. Gay was something men were, they got AIDS and they died, and they all looked either like Freddie Mercury or the guys in Right Said Fre. Lisa, this girl's name was, and she was in some of the sames maths classes as me. Took me completely by surprise when she kissed me in the library in the middle of a study session and taught me women could be gay too. Taught me lots of things. We went pretty steady for about 2 years but then she finished university and moved home. I stayed on to do my Masters and we just... drifted apart

I dated a few guys, but never seriously. I was always far more focussed on school, science, on work and it always quickly became obvious I wasn't the 'wife' they were looking for. I didn't know how to meet women and the women I did, were intimidated by me. I wasn't a typical lesbian. I wasn't what they were looking for.

By my late 20s, I'd pretty much resigned myself to spinsterhood. At least I liked cats.

Then, in 1997, I met a guy called Jack. We were introduced by a mutual friend and to say there were fireworks would be an understatement. There was sex against a wall in the back alley behind a club... and I married him seven years later. That was almost 13 years ago and we're still happily married - I can be quite certain in calling him the love of my life. Lucy, our girlfriend of 8 years, comes in a close second in that regard.