the universe is in us

Today has been a really nice day.

Normally on a Sunday, Jack and Lucy take the dogs out and walk down to the shop to buy newspapers and I cook breakfast for us. Today, I went with them and we walked for miles before we had brunch.

We were then... intimate for the first time in a while. Like we've always been on a Sunday although more play than the standard punishments/rewards. We haven't been partaking in the BDSM side of our relationship - hell even the sex side - recently and honestly, it felt good. I know Jack and Lucy have been playing with each other, no need for either of them to be denied just because I've been going through things. I still don't have my whole sex drive back but it's starting to reawaken, and the depth of the groans Jack elicited when I spanked him definitely said it had been too long.

This afternoon, Lucy cooked us a melt-in-the-mouth roast lamb dinner and I baked Easter cupcakes - vanilla cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and mini eggs on top. I'm not one for taking photos of food (maybe I should if I'm going to talk about them) but Jack barely let them touch the counter before he pounced on them and the orgasmic noises he made, I think they went down well.

Baking is something else I haven't done much of recently. I missed it and it was nice to take the time to do something for me, for the sheer pleasure of doing it. And there was no lingering sense of guilt for enjoying myself.

I know 'mindfulness' and 'gratitude' are buzzwords right now but I'm realising there's a reason they're so popular - there's a lot too them I'm finding. They're hard work but like anything that's worth it, it's worth the work. I sound a little bit like a walking self-help book but trying to not express all the negativity is helping. Focusing on the positive, trying to spread kindness because you really do never know what other people are going through - and a kind word or a smile can make a real difference to someone else's day, or even their life.

A week without complaining
Day 1, take 4 - my mood has been better, and I have been better able to not whinge and complain. So, I've had a successful Day One... now onto Day Two!

I joined Jack on his morning walk with the dogs this morning. The sunshine was glorious and I didn't want to be cooped up in the house. It was wonderful; fresh air, exercise, sunshine, the man I love and our dogs. Lucy didn't join us - she'd actually kicked us out of the house, told us to stop getting under her feet while he was trying to do her morning housework routine! Cheeky lady - and she made me fail at my not complaining goal for the second day running. This is harder than I thought, I hadn't realised how much I complain about things!

I was struck by how friendly everyone else we encountered was. I don't know if it was the weather but everyone seemed to be in a good mood, we exchanged pleasantries with so many people and I see why Jack's always so content when he gets in.

We talked a lot while we walked. I know he's been worried about me over the last few months and I feel terrible for making him so concerned. But I've reassured him that I was starting to feel better and while I was still more scared than normal of losing him and/or Lucy, it's no longer an all-encompassing terror. I'm sleeping better and started doing things I enjoyed - he agreed and said he's noticed the improvements in me. I told him I was feeling more like myself and he asked me if I was happy with that. I still get surprised sometimes with his intuitiveness and it seemed like a strange question to start with but I suppose I've been doing so much soul-searching that it made sense.

For the most part, yes, I like who I am. I'd like to be a better me. I'm working on being mindful, more present - all three of us are being more in the moment when we're together, rather than staring at screens. I want to be more active and more positive. He just squeezed my hand, and kissed me and told me he knows I can do it, and that he and Luce are here for me.

Even just writing about it is making me smile. I love that man. I love how he always knows the right questions to ask to coax me through answering things I didn't know I knew. If that even makes sense. He's just patient and empathetic (even when he doesn't really understand, he still tries to see things from my perspective, he listens and he doesn't judge. ♥

Then in the afternoon, we booked a couple of holidays. We're having a long weekend in Amsterdam next weekend, and we're thinking of going away somewhere in the summer but haven't decided anything - we're thinking Spain or Italy, maybe Greece. And looking forward to things doesn't feel as scary, as overwhelming and with the potential for going wrong as it did a month ago which feels so fucking good.