the universe is in us

Happy Easter and Happy Purim to those who celebrate

The less said about the Rugby last night the better! Cardiff lost 20-15 to Munster, and Wales lost 46-10 to England in the Women's Six Nations. Jack, predictably, gloated about it (why did I marry an Englishman?) and so, naturally, I spanked his ass for it. Even though I know after all these years that he does it on purpose to goad me into spanking him - the man does love a spanking after all - and I know I could deny him because of it, but I enjoy doling it out almost as much and so it works every single time. If I thought there was any malice in his teasing when Wales lose, it would be a very different story

It's been a fairly typical weekend in our household, with extra bonus chocolate due to the holiday. Sundays have always been family day, and today was no different. Jack took the dogs out for a walk, came back with Easter Eggs for us all while Lucy and I made a fry up. I spent the rest of the morning poking around Threads and Instagram, and learning to use Canva - I think I'm getting the hang of them but only time will tell.

Then as is typical for us for a Sunday afternoon, we indulged in some BDSM fun for the afternoon. Even now a few hours later, Jack & Lucy both vibrating toys in place that I have a remote control for!

I also pulled together my TBR for April. I'm being a little ambitious with 10 books, I usually average 6 or 7 books a month but this gives me a good selection to choose from and even a couple of genres I don't usually read!
Alexandria Bellefleur - The Fiancée Farce
Arthur C Clarke - 2001: A Space Odyssey
Brian Cox - Black Holes
Parasite - Mira Grant
Holly Hepburn - The Missing Maid
Nicholas Spencer - Magisteria
JRR Tolkien - The Hobbit
HG Wells - The Time Machine
Jaimie Admans - The Chateau of Happily Ever Afters
Isaac Asimov - I, Robot

Lucy's current musical hyperfixation is Taylor Swift. We have watched The Eras Tour on Disney+ many many times. I say 'we'; Lucy watches it, if Jack or I are in the room, we ignore it/have headphones on.

I think Taylor Swift has a couple of catchy songs and I have caught myself singing along to a chorus or two. My music taste for the whole is still mostly rooted in the 80s and Madonna is more my thing. Jack, on the other hand, listens to classical and opera - Bach, Puccini and Rachmaninoff are much more his thing than anything pop/from this century.

So you can imagine me and Lucy's amusement earlier today when we caught Jack whistling Blank Space.

Lucy & I had just got in from yoga, Jack was in the kitchen loading and unloading the dishwasher, whistling absent-mindedly to himself (he does that a lot) and when we realised what he was whistling, I burst out laughing. He stopped and frowned at me, Lucy asked him what he was whistling but, as is typical, he didn't know. And we weren't going to tell him. But as we left him, we heard him start up again!

Maybe he was punking us, I don't know. But I love that my 71-year-old opera loving husband is whistling a Taylor Swift song and it amuses me immensely. I love that giant dork of a man.

*steps up to podium and taps the microphone* is this thing on?

I've been staring at this 'post an entry' page for a while, most of the afternoon actually, trying to figure out what to write. I was tempted to abandon this journal and start a whole new one but I find I'm still attached to this one. And so here I am, dusting off the cobwebs and thinking about giving it a fresh coat of paint

The world has definitely changed since my last post but thankfully, the internet's capacity for cat videos remains boundless. Most importantly, I still have my Jack and my Lucy - and we're all alive, we're all healthy. A little older, a little greyer, and with a few more wrinkles, but still no wiser.

I'm not entirely sure how to return to the world of blogging after such a long break. Is blogging still a thing? Is anyone still here? Where do I even start to begin? The beauty of a blog, I suppose, is that it's a blank canvas. It's a chance to connect, to share, and to learn.

So welcome! Grab a virtual cup of coffee (or beverage of choice), some tasty baked goods, and settle in

Today has not been a particularly good day. I'm not entirely sure why, but I've had difficulty escaping the black dog. I hadn't even felt it nipping at my heels but there's been a black cloud over me all day. You know those days where you feel like you're operating on auto-pilot and you haven't a clue what you actually have or haven't done?

I think I may end up taking a day off work tomorrow if I'm still feeling under the weather, take the time to look after myself - same as if I was feeling physical unwell. It's not fair to my students if I'm not fully present for them

It's important to remember that

Is there anything better than a long phone call with a good friend?

My friend Claudia and I don't see each other as often as we'd like to - she lives up in Manchester with her husband and we live down here in Cardiff - but we used to work together and we've known each other over 20 years. We meet up maybe once or twice a year but we ring each other every couple of months.

Earlier this evening she rang me, I settled down in a comfy chair with a glass of wine and some chocolate and we talked for hours. We caught up on what we'd been up to in the last couple of weeks since we'd last talked, we reminisced about 'the good old days', made plans for the future and basically put the world to right. I also made the effort to not just talk about myself, which I think we're all guilty of, and specifically asked about what she was up to, about the good things that have happened to her lately and celebrated her successes with her.

Between that, this morning's play session and an afternoon spent watching movies and generally chilling out, I feel completely relaxed and ready to take on tomorrow morning.

I think I survived the first day back in school. I'm not entirely sure my brain has. Remind me again what stars are?

And exams start next week so there's lot of panicking students which, truth be told, are a little bit exhausting. Why do they wait til now to realise they've got info gaps from work covered in November, or that they didn't understand something we studied in October?

I try to be patient with them though because I do remember what it was like to be a student, I know what it's like to have paper/research deadlines suddenly creep up you and tackle you to the ground.
I try to help them, and reassure them. I try to coach them and guide them. I want them to succeed.

One trick I learned many years ago to boost their confidence when they're stressing is to give them a compliment. It has to sincere though - teenagers/young adults are terrifyingly adept at spotting an insincerity. I wish they could teach me how! But a genuine "You make a really good point about..." or an "I love your shirt" or "your hair looks cute that colour" brightens them up and almost fortifies them. And it spreads and suddenly everyone feels better - including me.

It's so easy to do, and lets face it, most people like receiving a compliment. It does give us a boost and it makes me smile - both giving and receiving

I'm still working on making gratitude a practice in my life. I recently read an article about how we remember bad times much easier than the good, and I've been making an effort to practice focussing on the good.

I am grateful for my husband, Jack, and our girlfriend Lucy - for their love and support. And for our comfortable life.
I am grateful for my brother and his family.
I am grateful for my friends.
I am grateful for my health - physical, mental and emotional
I am grateful for my job

Lucy and I had ourselves a spa day today, just the two of us. It was a Christmas present from Jack and it was absolute bliss. I had a full body aromatherapy massage, and a 'vitamin c boost' facial. The package he'd bought us also included a coffee on arrival, a two-course buffet lunch and a glass of prosecco. We also treated ourselves to afternoon tea (with more prosecco) and a mani/pedi.

I felt so pampered and relaxed, we spent quite a lot of time just lazing around as well which was really nice. I want to try the reflexology treatment, there's a hot oil/sea salt treatment that looks interesting, there's a hot stones massage and they do mud treatments as well.

And I don't get to spend enough one-on-one time with Lucy so we've talked about maybe making it regular thing, once every couple of months or so. Maybe even make it a weekend getaway one of the times when Jack's away fishing.

Tuesdays are always a busy day in our household, and today was no exception.

Jack goes to a 'men's group' called The Dusty Shed. It's a men's over 50's group and they do practical things like woodworking, metalworking, electronics, burning fingers with solder, model making. He's been going for a couple of months and I know he really enjoys connecting with other men his age.

Lucy goes to a schizophrenia group, it's not a therapy thing but a 'self-help' group - sometimes they talk, sometimes they do social activities like bowling... note to self, this is changing to a Monday in May at a later time and a different location, you need to update the calendar.

I go to a bereavement group - it's nice to be able to talk to other people going through the same thing as you, to realise that what you're feeling is perfectly normal. It also helps to not feel like I'm offloading everything on Jack or Lucy. A bit like Lucy's group - it's everything from coffee and cake and someone to talk to, and sometimes we go walking or bowling.

I tried to continue yesterdays theme of saying positive things to people, and one of the younger girls in the group had cut her hair very short and dyed it a beautiful emerald green colour. I told her how nice it looked, how the cut really framed her face and she lit up - she actually started crying and hugged me, and of course, that made me cry.

We talked a lot about strengths and weaknesses, and I found it interesting how we could all really easily identify what we thought were our weaknesses but struggled with our strengths. I don't know how much of this is bereavement/depression vs social conditioning that, especially as a woman, we're told that we shouldn't be strong and celebrate ourselves. Fuck that. I'm organised, I'm efficient, I'm an analytical thinker and a creative problem solver. Jack just looked over my shoulder, read what I'm writing and says I'm a damn good kisser. I'm passionate, caring and easily excited.

I then spent the afternoon helping Jack finally set up the tablet I got him for Christmas - playing around in the app store, finding new things for him to play with. He's also updated his dreamwidth (jackjanderson) for the first time this year and is slowly working his way through his long-abandoned email account. He's got it down from something like 1100 to under 500. I'm hoping he's going to get back into blogging - not for me to read (though I do) but because I know he was enjoying connecting with people online. Like I said earlier, he's a social creature, my husband.

We're now all curled up on the couch - cats included - and watched some Doctor Who on Netflix. I'm pretty exhausted, mentally and emotionally, so I'm thinking I'm going to head to an early bed.

A week without complaining
This is going well. I am so pleased that I have been able to pull my head in, and focus on just getting on with stuff... and not complaining. What does it achieve? So far, so good - and I'm more than halfway through.

Today has been a really nice day.

Normally on a Sunday, Jack and Lucy take the dogs out and walk down to the shop to buy newspapers and I cook breakfast for us. Today, I went with them and we walked for miles before we had brunch.

We were then... intimate for the first time in a while. Like we've always been on a Sunday although more play than the standard punishments/rewards. We haven't been partaking in the BDSM side of our relationship - hell even the sex side - recently and honestly, it felt good. I know Jack and Lucy have been playing with each other, no need for either of them to be denied just because I've been going through things. I still don't have my whole sex drive back but it's starting to reawaken, and the depth of the groans Jack elicited when I spanked him definitely said it had been too long.

This afternoon, Lucy cooked us a melt-in-the-mouth roast lamb dinner and I baked Easter cupcakes - vanilla cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and mini eggs on top. I'm not one for taking photos of food (maybe I should if I'm going to talk about them) but Jack barely let them touch the counter before he pounced on them and the orgasmic noises he made, I think they went down well.

Baking is something else I haven't done much of recently. I missed it and it was nice to take the time to do something for me, for the sheer pleasure of doing it. And there was no lingering sense of guilt for enjoying myself.

I know 'mindfulness' and 'gratitude' are buzzwords right now but I'm realising there's a reason they're so popular - there's a lot too them I'm finding. They're hard work but like anything that's worth it, it's worth the work. I sound a little bit like a walking self-help book but trying to not express all the negativity is helping. Focusing on the positive, trying to spread kindness because you really do never know what other people are going through - and a kind word or a smile can make a real difference to someone else's day, or even their life.

A week without complaining
Day 1, take 4 - my mood has been better, and I have been better able to not whinge and complain. So, I've had a successful Day One... now onto Day Two!