the universe is in us

Happy Easter and Happy Purim to those who celebrate

The less said about the Rugby last night the better! Cardiff lost 20-15 to Munster, and Wales lost 46-10 to England in the Women's Six Nations. Jack, predictably, gloated about it (why did I marry an Englishman?) and so, naturally, I spanked his ass for it. Even though I know after all these years that he does it on purpose to goad me into spanking him - the man does love a spanking after all - and I know I could deny him because of it, but I enjoy doling it out almost as much and so it works every single time. If I thought there was any malice in his teasing when Wales lose, it would be a very different story

It's been a fairly typical weekend in our household, with extra bonus chocolate due to the holiday. Sundays have always been family day, and today was no different. Jack took the dogs out for a walk, came back with Easter Eggs for us all while Lucy and I made a fry up. I spent the rest of the morning poking around Threads and Instagram, and learning to use Canva - I think I'm getting the hang of them but only time will tell.

Then as is typical for us for a Sunday afternoon, we indulged in some BDSM fun for the afternoon. Even now a few hours later, Jack & Lucy both vibrating toys in place that I have a remote control for!

I also pulled together my TBR for April. I'm being a little ambitious with 10 books, I usually average 6 or 7 books a month but this gives me a good selection to choose from and even a couple of genres I don't usually read!
Alexandria Bellefleur - The Fiancée Farce
Arthur C Clarke - 2001: A Space Odyssey
Brian Cox - Black Holes
Parasite - Mira Grant
Holly Hepburn - The Missing Maid
Nicholas Spencer - Magisteria
JRR Tolkien - The Hobbit
HG Wells - The Time Machine
Jaimie Admans - The Chateau of Happily Ever Afters
Isaac Asimov - I, Robot

I hadn't realised how much I'd missed social media and blogging until this weekend. I got an email notification that someone had subscribed to kinkyandpoly and found myself logging in to Dreamwidth for the first time in far too long. I then updated and read our friends page, and talked to people I haven't spoken to all which which was absolutely lovely!

Then I managed to set up a kinkygeekypoly twitter and a kinkyandpoly tumblr which are easier to update using the apps on my phone and tablet.

I will easily admit that I had completely forgotten all about this place which is a shame because blogging is so good for my mental health, having an outlet that isn't Jack or Lucy. And God knows we've all needed any/everything that's good for us this year.

So hello Dreamwidth friends, hope you're all as well as can be in the current state of things.

We almost lost Jack back in May, he caught COVID-19 and was in hospital for just under 3 weeks, some of the worst weeks in my life not being able to be with him. He wasn't ventilated, although it was touch and go, but he was very poorly with pneumonia and breathing issues. He's home, he's mostly ok, he lost a lot of weight and he's still finding he gets short of breath and dealing with fatigue but he's alive and he's ok.

It's bizarre, because Lucy and I also had positive test results but we all had completely different symptoms. Lucy was asymptomatic. I just felt like I had a pretty bad flu but it only lasted 4 or 5 days. I'm looking forward to when we know much more about this virus and the disease it causes to understand this. I'm also being amazed at how fast science is learning about it, because science generally doesn't happen this fast!

Partially as a result of that, I ended up quitting my job at the university at the end of the last school year. I do miss it, and they're doing some amazing CMB research at the moment that I desperately want to be part of but 2020 has made me realise how old Jack is, made me wake up to his (to all of our) mortality. He's 16 years older than me, he's not far off 70 and I don't want to waste or miss any more time with him or Lucy. Jack, of course, keeps telling me he's fine, he's not planning on dying any time soon and that I should to play with the 'big space toys', especially as they're advertising for research positions. But for now, I'm semi-(early)retired and doing distance tutoring.

I'm still working on making gratitude a practice in my life. I recently read an article about how we remember bad times much easier than the good, and I've been making an effort to practice focussing on the good.

I am grateful for my husband, Jack, and our girlfriend Lucy - for their love and support. And for our comfortable life.
I am grateful for my brother and his family.
I am grateful for my friends.
I am grateful for my health - physical, mental and emotional
I am grateful for my job

Lucy and I had ourselves a spa day today, just the two of us. It was a Christmas present from Jack and it was absolute bliss. I had a full body aromatherapy massage, and a 'vitamin c boost' facial. The package he'd bought us also included a coffee on arrival, a two-course buffet lunch and a glass of prosecco. We also treated ourselves to afternoon tea (with more prosecco) and a mani/pedi.

I felt so pampered and relaxed, we spent quite a lot of time just lazing around as well which was really nice. I want to try the reflexology treatment, there's a hot oil/sea salt treatment that looks interesting, there's a hot stones massage and they do mud treatments as well.

And I don't get to spend enough one-on-one time with Lucy so we've talked about maybe making it regular thing, once every couple of months or so. Maybe even make it a weekend getaway one of the times when Jack's away fishing.

Tuesdays are always a busy day in our household, and today was no exception.

Jack goes to a 'men's group' called The Dusty Shed. It's a men's over 50's group and they do practical things like woodworking, metalworking, electronics, burning fingers with solder, model making. He's been going for a couple of months and I know he really enjoys connecting with other men his age.

Lucy goes to a schizophrenia group, it's not a therapy thing but a 'self-help' group - sometimes they talk, sometimes they do social activities like bowling... note to self, this is changing to a Monday in May at a later time and a different location, you need to update the calendar.

I go to a bereavement group - it's nice to be able to talk to other people going through the same thing as you, to realise that what you're feeling is perfectly normal. It also helps to not feel like I'm offloading everything on Jack or Lucy. A bit like Lucy's group - it's everything from coffee and cake and someone to talk to, and sometimes we go walking or bowling.

I tried to continue yesterdays theme of saying positive things to people, and one of the younger girls in the group had cut her hair very short and dyed it a beautiful emerald green colour. I told her how nice it looked, how the cut really framed her face and she lit up - she actually started crying and hugged me, and of course, that made me cry.

We talked a lot about strengths and weaknesses, and I found it interesting how we could all really easily identify what we thought were our weaknesses but struggled with our strengths. I don't know how much of this is bereavement/depression vs social conditioning that, especially as a woman, we're told that we shouldn't be strong and celebrate ourselves. Fuck that. I'm organised, I'm efficient, I'm an analytical thinker and a creative problem solver. Jack just looked over my shoulder, read what I'm writing and says I'm a damn good kisser. I'm passionate, caring and easily excited.

I then spent the afternoon helping Jack finally set up the tablet I got him for Christmas - playing around in the app store, finding new things for him to play with. He's also updated his dreamwidth (jackjanderson) for the first time this year and is slowly working his way through his long-abandoned email account. He's got it down from something like 1100 to under 500. I'm hoping he's going to get back into blogging - not for me to read (though I do) but because I know he was enjoying connecting with people online. Like I said earlier, he's a social creature, my husband.

We're now all curled up on the couch - cats included - and watched some Doctor Who on Netflix. I'm pretty exhausted, mentally and emotionally, so I'm thinking I'm going to head to an early bed.

A week without complaining
This is going well. I am so pleased that I have been able to pull my head in, and focus on just getting on with stuff... and not complaining. What does it achieve? So far, so good - and I'm more than halfway through.

Today has been a really nice day.

Normally on a Sunday, Jack and Lucy take the dogs out and walk down to the shop to buy newspapers and I cook breakfast for us. Today, I went with them and we walked for miles before we had brunch.

We were then... intimate for the first time in a while. Like we've always been on a Sunday although more play than the standard punishments/rewards. We haven't been partaking in the BDSM side of our relationship - hell even the sex side - recently and honestly, it felt good. I know Jack and Lucy have been playing with each other, no need for either of them to be denied just because I've been going through things. I still don't have my whole sex drive back but it's starting to reawaken, and the depth of the groans Jack elicited when I spanked him definitely said it had been too long.

This afternoon, Lucy cooked us a melt-in-the-mouth roast lamb dinner and I baked Easter cupcakes - vanilla cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and mini eggs on top. I'm not one for taking photos of food (maybe I should if I'm going to talk about them) but Jack barely let them touch the counter before he pounced on them and the orgasmic noises he made, I think they went down well.

Baking is something else I haven't done much of recently. I missed it and it was nice to take the time to do something for me, for the sheer pleasure of doing it. And there was no lingering sense of guilt for enjoying myself.

I know 'mindfulness' and 'gratitude' are buzzwords right now but I'm realising there's a reason they're so popular - there's a lot too them I'm finding. They're hard work but like anything that's worth it, it's worth the work. I sound a little bit like a walking self-help book but trying to not express all the negativity is helping. Focusing on the positive, trying to spread kindness because you really do never know what other people are going through - and a kind word or a smile can make a real difference to someone else's day, or even their life.

A week without complaining
Day 1, take 4 - my mood has been better, and I have been better able to not whinge and complain. So, I've had a successful Day One... now onto Day Two!

I joined Jack on his morning walk with the dogs this morning. The sunshine was glorious and I didn't want to be cooped up in the house. It was wonderful; fresh air, exercise, sunshine, the man I love and our dogs. Lucy didn't join us - she'd actually kicked us out of the house, told us to stop getting under her feet while he was trying to do her morning housework routine! Cheeky lady - and she made me fail at my not complaining goal for the second day running. This is harder than I thought, I hadn't realised how much I complain about things!

I was struck by how friendly everyone else we encountered was. I don't know if it was the weather but everyone seemed to be in a good mood, we exchanged pleasantries with so many people and I see why Jack's always so content when he gets in.

We talked a lot while we walked. I know he's been worried about me over the last few months and I feel terrible for making him so concerned. But I've reassured him that I was starting to feel better and while I was still more scared than normal of losing him and/or Lucy, it's no longer an all-encompassing terror. I'm sleeping better and started doing things I enjoyed - he agreed and said he's noticed the improvements in me. I told him I was feeling more like myself and he asked me if I was happy with that. I still get surprised sometimes with his intuitiveness and it seemed like a strange question to start with but I suppose I've been doing so much soul-searching that it made sense.

For the most part, yes, I like who I am. I'd like to be a better me. I'm working on being mindful, more present - all three of us are being more in the moment when we're together, rather than staring at screens. I want to be more active and more positive. He just squeezed my hand, and kissed me and told me he knows I can do it, and that he and Luce are here for me.

Even just writing about it is making me smile. I love that man. I love how he always knows the right questions to ask to coax me through answering things I didn't know I knew. If that even makes sense. He's just patient and empathetic (even when he doesn't really understand, he still tries to see things from my perspective, he listens and he doesn't judge. ♥

Then in the afternoon, we booked a couple of holidays. We're having a long weekend in Amsterdam next weekend, and we're thinking of going away somewhere in the summer but haven't decided anything - we're thinking Spain or Italy, maybe Greece. And looking forward to things doesn't feel as scary, as overwhelming and with the potential for going wrong as it did a month ago which feels so fucking good.

Things are getting back to what resembles normal in my life. I'm starting to feel like myself - the pain of grief is easing, the fog of depression is lifting and living is becoming easier. A day at a time. I'm still taking anti-depressants, I'm still seeing a grief counselor and I'm not going back to work this school year - I'm still signed off by my doctor but discussions have been had and all being well, I'm going back in September.

It's nice, actually, to be spending so much time with Jack and Lucy. I don't think we've ever spent this much time together as a threesome and despite the rather sombre reason for it, we're all really enjoying it. I can honestly say I think I love them more than ever. It's taken a while to find the groove but we're finding a routine and a rhythm - although it does somewhat feel like I've slotted into theirs. I'm also aware that's not a healthy thought pattern and that I know I'm not intruding - this is our life. Hey, this whole CBT thing works.

I'm not back into my usual gym etc routine but have been spending more time at home, other than going to my counseling sessions and our date nights. I'm not quite ready for all that, I don't have a full diary of plans but I'm taking things one day at a time... having plans is feeling a little overwhelming. Things that are planned can go wrong. Again, that's something I can work on but I'm focusing on living a day at a time.

I spent time yesterday curled up with the cats, reading a book and listening to music - and I can't tell you how good that felt. I can't remember the last time I had the concentration to be able to do that, had the urge to do something for the simple pleasure of enjoying it. Of course, Jack has to mock my music by asking me what decade I think it is... which is rich coming from someone who typically listens to music from the 1800s! (but even just that teasing felt so normal and right and guilt-free).

Spring as a new beginning may be happening even without me making a conscious effort to make it so.

Hello Dreamwidth, and I apologise for the lack of updates this year.

Shortly after my last post, in the small hours of January 2nd, I got a frantic phone call from my brother telling me to get back to London as quickly as I can because our father had a heart attack. I couldn't get there in time and he passed away before I arrived.

( Read more... )

I think I'm about as caught up on my dreamwidth reading as I'm going to get. I was up to something like skip 80! If I have missed anything you think I need to know about, please do let me know!

Christmas Day was wonderful. We all had a lie in, Jack went out the dogs, Lucy rang her sisters, and I made breakfast. We all settled down in the family room and opened presents. I was very spoiled indeed - and you may notice a theme going through these
From Jack, I got - and can I just say I really love that man - a mid-season ticket to see my Blues <3
From Lucy, I got some Jason Momoa DVDs, a stargazing book and an astronomy log notebook.
From my dad, I got a Cardiff Blues rugger jersey. And very comfortable it is!
From Polly & Esme (Lucy's younger sisters), I got some vanilla marshmallow body shop prodcuts which smell divine.

Jack & Lucy were thrilled with their gadgets - Jack & I got Lucy a Kindle Oasis and a Marauders Map cover for it. And I got Jack a Fire HD 10

I also got Jack RAF sweater, a Man City book and a John Williams CD
Lucy gave Jack a Man City hoodie and an RAF Haynes manual book.
My dad got him a book on the 100 years of the RAF
(noticing a theme here? Anyone would think Jack love the RAF and MCFC!)
Polly & Esme got him some fishing gloves and a guided journalling book.

For Lucy
I got her a notebook and some fineliner pens she'd been cooing over and a throw blanket with a map of Narnia.
Jack got her the Bullet Journal method book and a Hufflepuff glove/scarf set
Polly & Esme got her some books on Steampunk
Her parents got her a Great British BakeOff cookbook and her other siblings got her amazon vouchers, and my dad got her an angel keyring and a set of unicorn socks.

Jack & I got a card from Lucy's parents which is an improvement on our relationship with them!

We ate far too much food, drank too much wine, sang badly to carols and played scrabble and monopoly all afternoon. It was a lot of fun.

Then yesterday, Jack's son came round. He got his dad a stadium tour of Man City and he got me some amazon vouchers. He and Lucy still have a vaguely awkward relationship, I can't see that ever-changing and I do understand it, but they don't buy each other gifts, which is fair enough. The men went out and Lucy & I cuddled up to watch Jason Momoa on TV

Tomorrow we head to my dad's. My brother, his wife and their children will also be descending on him, ready for our (brother & I) birthday. It's always strange going back there, he's still in our childhood home and I feel like I'm being transported to another time when we go. Not necessarily in a bad way, just weird. The worst is that me & Jack end up in one bedroom and Lucy in another :(