I'm with them

[quantumcupcakes]

Polyamory seems to be one of those topics that a lot of people have many preconceived notions about - a lot of which are completely wrong. You will probably already be forming an image in your mind of what my life is like based on the fact that I'm not monogamous.

I can tell you now that I am not having group sex or mad orgies.
My life does not revolve around sex - yes, I enjoy it and have a high sex drive but that is not related to polyamory.
I'm not cheating on anyone or sleeping around behind anyone's back.
I don't have sex with everyone I meet.
I don't have an open relationship.
I'm not a swinger or into partner swapping
are there poly relationships like this? Yes, of course - and many many many more variations as well.

I have been married to my husband, Jack, for almost 13 years and we've been together for 18. We have a girlfriend, Lucy, and she's been with us for 8 years. So you can forget any notion that I have commitment issues. There was nothing missing in our relationship before Lucy joined us, never a sense of incompleteness; Lucy added an extra dynamic, an extra layer that we didn't know was even possible.

Jack and Lucy were engaged in a BDSM relationship for a few months - a non-sexual relationship at that. That's a whole other dynamic to our relationship that isn't pertinent to poly and can be discussed at another point. We had a few threesomes during that time and I also watched them play. I still remember the day Jack sat down with me, serious face on and said "You've got something on your mind, it's about Lucy and if I know you, I know what you're thinking so just come out and tell me so I can tell you you're right." And I told him I thought I was falling for her. And he was too. We sat down with Lucy and talked about things and started dating. A few months later she moved in with us.

I am in a closed, poly, triad. There has never been any talk of bringing a fourth person in, or of any of us having a relationship with another person outside of our group.

If there's anything you want to have clarification on or are simply just curious - please ask me and the chances are I will answer.

But, really, the main thing is that we're no different than any straight, monogamous couple - it's just that there's three of us, rather than two. The one thing I can tell you is that I love both of them fiercely and cannot imagine my life without either of them in it

Comments

[used_songs]

I have one other online friend (from LJ days) who is in a similar situation. I actually talk to him and his wife online both. What you're describing sounds pretty similar to what they've said about their triad. I've always figured that consenting adults should be able to find the path that works for them.

[azrielle_jones]

I'm so glad that's working so well for you guys ♥

I definitely admit to having a biased opinion on the subject. My relationship was strained for a long time and I was sick for a long time. My bf brought up being poly- but I knew it wasn't genuine, it was because he wanted to see other people. We talked about it a lot and I got him to back down and we stayed together- through more strain and hardship. Then he finally dumped me. The second I moved out and was gone he was already with a guy and two girls. I was just so gutted and insecure and felt worthless like absolute trash. It was so obvious he'd wanted me gone for a long time.

The concept just makes me very uncomfortable. I have such low self esteem and self worth that I don't ever believe someone will love me, so why would I think multiple people could? I would be chronically jealous and paranoid that my partner(s) would be fucking around behind my back. I just wouldn't be able to do it. It just makes me feel anxious and unsafe and feels wrong *for me*. I was just so afraid my bf would leave me it made me fearful of almost any relationships. It really is about how I feel about myself more than how I feel about poly people.

I need to keep a better open mind about the subject because I can't project all this negative shit onto perfectly innocent human beings. I'm sure as more time passes and my emotional wounds heal I'll be much less biased. I'll do my best to unwrap all the personal negative feelings and stop judging.

I'm definitely not judging you and I hope you never feel that way. I really am happy to hear your story- the three of you sound so cute :) I hope someday I'm well enough to be in a healthy relationship- whatever kind it may be! ♥

[quantumcupcakes]

I'm only human, I get jealous. Take this year for example - Jack retired just before Christmas and Lucy doesn't work for medical reasons. They were spending all day, every day together and I did feel very insecure about it, about my place in their lives. But communication is key and we sat down and we negotiated new... schedules and routines and now we spend more time together all three of us, and I spend more time with both Jack and Lucy singly as well.

(Jack has a child from his first marriage. Neither of us wanted another child. I'm still jealous of his ex-wife for the kind of bond she has with him (even if they hate each other - they still have a chld they share))

It's not easy. It's a lot of hard work but like anything worth working for... its worth it.

I hope you manage to find a healthy relationhip that works for you when you're ready.

[azrielle_jones]

Thanks for being so open and understanding ♥