Sam (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
quantumcupcakes) wrote2019-04-19 09:25 pm
quantumcupcakes) wrote2019-04-19 09:25 pm
Entry tags:
April 19th
I joined Jack on his morning walk with the dogs this morning. The sunshine was glorious and I didn't want to be cooped up in the house. It was wonderful; fresh air, exercise, sunshine, the man I love and our dogs. Lucy didn't join us - she'd actually kicked us out of the house, told us to stop getting under her feet while he was trying to do her morning housework routine! Cheeky lady - and she made me fail at my not complaining goal for the second day running. This is harder than I thought, I hadn't realised how much I complain about things!
I was struck by how friendly everyone else we encountered was. I don't know if it was the weather but everyone seemed to be in a good mood, we exchanged pleasantries with so many people and I see why Jack's always so content when he gets in.
We talked a lot while we walked. I know he's been worried about me over the last few months and I feel terrible for making him so concerned. But I've reassured him that I was starting to feel better and while I was still more scared than normal of losing him and/or Lucy, it's no longer an all-encompassing terror. I'm sleeping better and started doing things I enjoyed - he agreed and said he's noticed the improvements in me. I told him I was feeling more like myself and he asked me if I was happy with that. I still get surprised sometimes with his intuitiveness and it seemed like a strange question to start with but I suppose I've been doing so much soul-searching that it made sense.
For the most part, yes, I like who I am. I'd like to be a better me. I'm working on being mindful, more present - all three of us are being more in the moment when we're together, rather than staring at screens. I want to be more active and more positive. He just squeezed my hand, and kissed me and told me he knows I can do it, and that he and Luce are here for me.
Even just writing about it is making me smile. I love that man. I love how he always knows the right questions to ask to coax me through answering things I didn't know I knew. If that even makes sense. He's just patient and empathetic (even when he doesn't really understand, he still tries to see things from my perspective, he listens and he doesn't judge. ♥
Then in the afternoon, we booked a couple of holidays. We're having a long weekend in Amsterdam next weekend, and we're thinking of going away somewhere in the summer but haven't decided anything - we're thinking Spain or Italy, maybe Greece. And looking forward to things doesn't feel as scary, as overwhelming and with the potential for going wrong as it did a month ago which feels so fucking good.
I was struck by how friendly everyone else we encountered was. I don't know if it was the weather but everyone seemed to be in a good mood, we exchanged pleasantries with so many people and I see why Jack's always so content when he gets in.
We talked a lot while we walked. I know he's been worried about me over the last few months and I feel terrible for making him so concerned. But I've reassured him that I was starting to feel better and while I was still more scared than normal of losing him and/or Lucy, it's no longer an all-encompassing terror. I'm sleeping better and started doing things I enjoyed - he agreed and said he's noticed the improvements in me. I told him I was feeling more like myself and he asked me if I was happy with that. I still get surprised sometimes with his intuitiveness and it seemed like a strange question to start with but I suppose I've been doing so much soul-searching that it made sense.
For the most part, yes, I like who I am. I'd like to be a better me. I'm working on being mindful, more present - all three of us are being more in the moment when we're together, rather than staring at screens. I want to be more active and more positive. He just squeezed my hand, and kissed me and told me he knows I can do it, and that he and Luce are here for me.
Even just writing about it is making me smile. I love that man. I love how he always knows the right questions to ask to coax me through answering things I didn't know I knew. If that even makes sense. He's just patient and empathetic (even when he doesn't really understand, he still tries to see things from my perspective, he listens and he doesn't judge. ♥
Then in the afternoon, we booked a couple of holidays. We're having a long weekend in Amsterdam next weekend, and we're thinking of going away somewhere in the summer but haven't decided anything - we're thinking Spain or Italy, maybe Greece. And looking forward to things doesn't feel as scary, as overwhelming and with the potential for going wrong as it did a month ago which feels so fucking good.